Finding now the largest struggle is with myself as a critic. I am in the habit of restricting my desire for perfection due to my fear of being wrong. fear seizes me, i can't flow or express, which is the death toll of the creative process.
Even though i know no one will look in my sketchbook, i still edit myself, judge myself, emotionally critique myself. I pass value judgement- which is the last thing I want to do at this point.
I went to a tarot circle tonight, which we hold every week, exploring the teachings and mysteries contained in the traditional correspondences to the major arcana of the tarot. I am sure I will get into here at some point... but I would digress too much...
The card we were on was the Fool, pictured above, the "first" card in the series. This card basically symbolizes the Living Light, the experiential nature of Reality; luminous Awareness, Presence, super-consciousness, God, etc. It is both transcendent to and imminent within our lives, our world, and ourselves. It is the Life Breathe, the Ruach of judaic mysticism, Chi or Prana, etc. It is the Self, with a capital "S". The One Self. It is basically the source of all creativity and inspiration; the empty valley from which all things come.
Why do I bring this up? Well, it is the goal, in my mind, and in the opinion of Alex Grey and other great mystical artists, that this is the state from which great art is created. This is the state of "no-mindedness" of the Zen practitioner; the wu wei, doing without doing, of Taoism. The best art is done in a state where the "artist" is not present- there is only the Creative force working through one.
The goal then? To train oneself in ones technique, then to forget and get out of ones own way- to just let it flow. Thus the Fool- the symbol of innocence, untarnished youth, exploration, curiosity, no value judgement (or really judgments of any kind) just pure awareness and presence.
This state has been called Samadhi, when the viewer and the viewed, the subject and the object, are unified or experienced as a single thing. This is the aim of Yoga- a word which basically translates as "union." To be so absorbed in the model, subject or visualized image that we bring forth in our drawing the nature, essence of soul of the thing drawn.
All of the symbolism of this card points us to that experience, hints at the nature of the Creative Energy and its expression... but the symbol here, the reason I bring this up in terms of my dealings with judgments, fears, etc. is the small white dog. Let me explain.
Here, we see the dog happy, following along at his masters heels. The dog itself is small, probably one of those over energetic, yappy dogs we all see around. It can't keep its attention anywhere. In some older decks, it was shown biting the heel of the fool, perhaps showing that the mind needs to be trained. Here we see an image of the proper use by us of this Life Power. The mind must be trained.
This has been on my mind a lot, this training of the mind. I will never accomplish my goal of mastering my drawing and art tools if my mind is allowed free reign. The habits I have programmed into my mind are quite detrimental, some caused by emotional repression, by negative association to art, pressure to succeed and to produce, to please other people... all of these are habits of the mind.
When I am sitting and drawing, or trying to sketch, it does me no good passing judgments about my own self worth. yet my mind does it. What is the cure? To discipline my mind. Not with aggression or negative input- for as anyone who has trained an animal knows, being loud and angry will only upset the animal. One needs to be firm, but gentle and kind, constantly- especially a wounded animal, such as one who has had a history of abuse.
One habit many people are trained in, including myself, is self punishment. I have beaten myself up for a long time, especially my creative side. It is very much like a wounded animal.
So what is my "sure" here? Well, for one thing, constantly drawing. If I beat myself up because I am not good enough, the easy cure is getting good. How do I get better? I draw. More. All the time. No matter how horrible i may think it is, I keep doing it. i work what i have till I get better. No magic solution other than hard work.
But that means that these voices, these words and thought patterns, will keep arising, like the yappy dog, trying to distract me. I need to recognize that I am no my patterns, i am not my thoughts, and keep going. Acknowledge the dog, but treat it firmly and gently that this is not good behavior.
I try to tell my mind that it would be much more helpful if it gave me positive affirmations like "you will be that good eventually if you work harder," and "of course I can do it." Telling myself "you're not good enough, you can't do it and you may as well just stop now" is not going to help me.
It is mind training, and also word training. The speech we use has a huge effect on us. If I don't think i can do something that it is in the nature of humans to be able to do- such as beautiful art- than I am imposing an artificial limitation. I CAN do it if I try- I may fail a lot, but eventually I will get there.
No energy put out is wasted. All energy put out will be returned in kind. If I devote all my energy to self-development, to self-mastery, then that is what I will get. If I putter my time is frivolous pursuits, like video games, TV, pointless talk with friends, then that is what I will get.
This also means that the path to Mastery, of Art, of Magic and Mysticism, and of Life in general, is one of discipline, of sacrifice, and of determination. You NEED desire. If you don;t burn with desire for a thing, than you probably will get side tracked trying to achieve it. God knows I have a long history of this.
Of course, only time will tell if this new desire to master art is strong enough to keep up the energy and discipline to do this thing.
I will leave off with a quote from the book Force I am working through...
"FEAR
You are probably wondering how fear would have anything to do with drawing, but it has everything to do with it. Fear kills passion. Fear is the most detrimental attribute a student could have. The greatest fear is the fear of failing which in this case is creating a "bad" drawing. remember, if you are drawing in order to capture the humanity of the model, you will become unconcerned about your drawing. Be aware of your experience and just stay present with the model. There is no failing, only results. Be courageous and push yourself to new heights. Besides, what is going to happen if you make a "bad" decision? You will learn from it. The more results you make, the faster you will reach your destination. It is not as if we are skydiving. You will always land safely, no matter how great the risks you take. Consider yourself the ultimate stunt person.
Pay attention to your internal dialogue. It will reveal your fears."
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