The Fall, the serpent and the magician

Brief post today.  Just got back from this weeks tarot card.  The magician.  The Transparent Intelligence. This card depicts the ideal state of consciousness for creation to occur.  its number is 1, symbolizing focus, concentration, creativity.  It is also observation, necessary for any progression of any kind.  We can not make progress without first observing the conditions within which we are working, or trying to effect change.

I have been down on myself.  Old patterns die hard.  Impossible, i say to myself.  I feel despondent at all the time I have wasted not drawing.  I look at people 10 years younger than me and think that I will never be that good.  Why bother?

Of course, these voices or internal dialog are just bad programming.  Everyone has learned what they do, through toil and work and repetition.  That is one big lesson- repetition.  And time.  It all takes time.  Thus the old alchemical saying "festina lente" which, for the non Latin inclined, means "make haste slowly." (And just for the record, I am one of those non-Latin inclined.  However, reading lots of alchemical literature, one gets accustomed to certain phrases.)

In alchemy, the matter being worked on had to decay before it could be worked with.  The Masters called this process putrefaction.  The matter would break down into its component parts, an almost black tarry sludge.  It was from this that the elements of the philosophers stone would be built; and the putrefaction was a means of breaking up the matter to get at the various parts.

This process is symbolized by Scorpio, which rules, as it so happens, the reproductive organs.  This is where the creative force tends to reside in man.  It is the libido, the creative force from which all forms spring.  In the human machine, it can be directed outwards in the production of offspring, or external reproduction, or it can be internally directed, up the spine to the head, where the force finds expression in the mental faculties of creativity.

This force is symbolized in various ways in tarot.  In the fool, last weeks card, the sun in the top corner is situated in the corner of the scorpion (on keys 10 and 21) which of course corresponds to Scorpio. It is the infinite life energy, chi or prajna, the Ruach.  Its physical manifestation and symbol is the sun.  This same energy is in us and expresses itself through us.

What does this have to do with the magician?  Well, the "magician" is a master of creative expression.  The life power flows through the magician, as the magician has rendered himself into a clear and fit channel for the one life.  He is a healthy symbol for the ego, the "I" in us, which is a point of focus for this infinite energy, and which the magician directs to create works of change, of art- he is a mediator between this Infinite Force ("God") and the environment.

As well, we see a serpent on the magician, a serpent biting its own tail.  Traditionally this is called the Ouroboros, and represents eternity, infinity, creation, infinite energy.  The serpent force, which we will come to eventually, is about the magicians waste, and holds on his white robe, symbol of his being clothed with the pure perception of reality. As well, the sign scorpio, related to the tarot card death, is associated with the Hebrew letter Nun, which literally means "a serpent." (and on an interesting side note, the season related to Scorpio is fall, and of course contains Halloween in its turnings...)

Thus we see the roses and lilies, both creations of human intervention, "cultivated" flowers.  They rise up from the ground, which is symbolic of the subconsciousness.  The magician using his wand (paint-brush or pencil perhaps?) channels the creative force downwards through himself, and thus out through to the environment.  His tools are his means by which proper change is effected.

Care of Alex Grey

I bring all this up because this card, and this day, was a nice little recharge.  I put down the pen, and just was today.  I pondered, i reflected.  I try so hard, and I get myself down.  But through focus, concentration, and observation, one can learn.  Anything can be learned.  though one must not be afraid to fail.

If one persists at something, it is inevitable that the current conditions of ones self and life will have to be broken down.  There are always habits we have picked up which will resist our attempts at change.  Any desire we formulate will be other than where we are, thus the conditions within which we find ourselves in at the time that we formulate the desire must be broken down. We must change ourselves, which takes on the energy of a small death.

The Tarot are a means by which we can begin to reformulate the image of ourselves, and our capabilities.  As we learn their symbols, we are giving instructions to our subconsciousness to change parts of ourselves.  The images are clear and clean suggestions of different parts of ourselves; 22 facets of our consciousness, as well as the consciousness of God.  By them we align ourselves with the force which created us; we make the inner like the outer, the microcosm like the macrocosm.  The cards are a magical alphabet of sorts.  They are to magick what the periodic table is to chemistry; and as the periodic table defines the elements of the outer world, so to do the tarot define the elements of inner consciousness.

It would seem that this blog is becoming progressively more aligned with my esoteric pursuits as it is about my artistic pursuits; which does not really surprise me, as I am now viewing these two as one.  Most of the great Masters I admire and aspire to were devoted to the mystical and creative life- being such as Michaelangelo, Raphael, Titian, Leonardo, many nameless alchemical artists, Van Gogh, Alex Grey... art can be a vessel for Divine Revelation.

So perhaps I will blog more about my esoteric pursuits here as well, as I learn to integrate them into my artistic path.  I will bring in more later.  For now, shower and some more tarot work.

rainy day Fool

Another day gone by.  Not a lot of drawing done today.  One of those days.

Finding now the largest struggle is with myself as a critic.  I am in the habit of restricting my desire for perfection due to my fear of being wrong.  fear seizes me, i can't flow or express, which is the death toll of the creative process.

Even though i know no one will look in my sketchbook, i still edit myself, judge myself, emotionally critique myself.  I pass value judgement- which is the last thing I want to do at this point.

I went to a tarot circle tonight, which we hold every week, exploring the teachings and mysteries contained in the traditional correspondences to the major arcana of the tarot. I am sure I will get into here at some point... but I would digress too much...

The card we were on was the Fool, pictured above, the "first" card in the series. This card basically symbolizes the Living Light, the experiential nature of Reality; luminous Awareness, Presence, super-consciousness, God, etc. It is both transcendent to and imminent within our lives, our world, and ourselves. It is the Life Breathe, the Ruach of judaic mysticism, Chi or Prana, etc.  It is the Self, with a capital "S".  The One Self.  It is basically the source of all creativity and inspiration; the empty valley from which all things come.

Why do I bring this up?  Well, it is the goal, in my mind, and in the opinion of Alex Grey and other great mystical artists, that this is the state from which great art is created.  This is the state of "no-mindedness" of the Zen practitioner; the wu wei, doing without doing, of Taoism.  The best art is done in a state where the "artist" is not present- there is only the Creative force working through one.

The goal then? To train oneself in ones technique, then to forget and get out of ones own way- to just let it flow.  Thus the Fool- the symbol of innocence, untarnished youth, exploration, curiosity, no value judgement (or really judgments of any kind) just pure awareness and presence.

This state has been called Samadhi, when the viewer and the viewed, the subject and the object, are unified or experienced as a single thing.  This is the aim of Yoga- a word which basically translates as "union." To be so absorbed in the model, subject or visualized image that we bring forth in our drawing the nature, essence of soul of the thing drawn.

All of the symbolism of this card points us to that experience, hints at the nature of the Creative Energy and its expression... but the symbol here, the reason I bring this up in terms of my dealings with judgments, fears, etc. is the small white dog.  Let me explain.

Here, we see the dog happy, following along at his masters heels. The dog itself is small, probably one of those over energetic, yappy dogs we all see around.  It can't keep its attention anywhere.  In some older decks, it was shown biting the heel of the fool, perhaps showing that the mind needs to be trained.  Here we see an image of the proper use by us of this Life Power.  The mind must be trained.

This has been on my mind a lot, this training of the mind.  I will never accomplish my goal of mastering my drawing and art tools if my mind is allowed free reign. The habits I have programmed into my mind are quite detrimental, some caused by emotional repression, by negative association to art, pressure to succeed and to produce, to please other people... all of these are habits of the mind.

When I am sitting and drawing, or trying to sketch, it does me no good passing judgments about my own self worth.  yet my mind does it.  What is the cure? To discipline my mind.  Not with aggression or negative input- for as anyone who has trained an animal knows, being loud and angry will only upset the animal.  One needs to be firm, but gentle and kind, constantly- especially a wounded animal, such as one who has had a history of abuse.

One habit many people are trained in, including myself, is self punishment.  I have beaten myself up for a long time, especially my creative side.  It is very much like a wounded animal.

So what is my "sure" here?  Well, for one thing, constantly drawing.  If I beat myself up because I am not good enough, the easy cure is getting good.  How do I get better?  I draw.  More.  All the time. No matter how horrible i may think it is, I keep doing it.  i work what i have till I get better.  No magic solution other than hard work.

But that means that these voices, these words and thought patterns, will keep arising, like the yappy dog, trying to distract me. I need to recognize that I am no my patterns, i am not my thoughts, and keep going.  Acknowledge the dog, but treat it firmly and gently that this is not good behavior.

I try to tell my mind that it would be much more helpful if it gave me positive affirmations like "you will be that good eventually if you work harder," and "of course I can do it."  Telling myself "you're not good enough, you can't do it and you may as well just stop now" is not going to help me.

It is mind training, and also word training.  The speech we use has a huge effect on us.  If I don't think i can do something that it is in the nature of humans to be able to do- such as beautiful art- than I am imposing an artificial limitation. I CAN do it if I try- I may fail a lot, but eventually I will get there.

No energy put out is wasted.  All energy put out will be returned in kind.  If I devote all my energy to self-development, to self-mastery, then that is what I will get.  If I putter my time is frivolous pursuits, like video games, TV, pointless talk with friends, then that is what I will get.

This also means that the path to Mastery, of Art, of Magic and Mysticism, and of Life in general, is one of discipline, of sacrifice, and of determination.  You NEED desire.  If you don;t burn with desire for a thing, than you probably will get side tracked trying to achieve it.  God knows I have a long history of this.

Of course, only time will tell if this new desire to master art is strong enough to keep up the energy and discipline to do this thing.

I will leave off with a quote from the book Force I am working through...

"FEAR

You are probably wondering how fear would have anything to do with drawing, but it has everything to do with it.  Fear kills passion.  Fear is the most detrimental attribute a student could have.  The greatest fear is the fear of failing which in this case is creating a "bad" drawing.  remember, if you are drawing in order to capture the humanity of the model, you will become unconcerned about your drawing.  Be aware of your experience and just stay present with the model.  There is no failing, only results.  Be courageous and push yourself to new heights.  Besides, what is going to happen if you make a "bad" decision? You will learn from it.  The more results you make, the faster you will reach your destination.  It is not as if we are skydiving.  You will always land safely, no matter how great the risks you take. Consider yourself the ultimate stunt person.

Pay attention to your internal dialogue.  It will reveal your fears."