Down the rabbit hole

This adventure is very slow going.  It feels like I am learning a whole new language, the language of visual expression.  I am learning how to see, very slowly.  It is odd, learning how my brain naturally processes information visually and making that conscious.  I am starting to see forms differently, all around me.  Breaking them up into basic shapes, trying to see perspective, looking for cues for plane changes.

It is as though I am undertaking an Artistic Ngundro (more on this idea a little later when I have more time to delve into it.)  Laying the Foundation for creative expression, building the temple so the God can indwell.  It is slow going so far, as there are so many areas I have to educate myself on, the simple basics of drawing, which it turns out are the basic ways of thinking about form.  This mental training can really be applied to any area of visual thought.  Some are more important to drawing than other fields, such as perspective.  Perspective for the sculptor is not nearly as important.  However, teaching the mind to think in basic masses and shapes is key to a proper visual vocabulary.

As I am training myself, it is hard to remain focused, trying to learn so many different subjects.  Color theory, composition, perspective, sketching, gesture, mass and volume.... not to mention learning the various necessary programs- zbrush and painter 12 being the two main programs I am interested in.

My training and exploration is also taking me across a variety of educational sources, both books and videos.  The training systems of people such as Michael Hampton and Glenn Villpu are becoming indispensable.  As well, the videos of Gnomon Workshop are amazing.

I am trying not to focus too much on being creative right now, and just practicing simple exercises to get my skills up a bit.  I simply dont feel confident enough yet to let my imagination go wild.  Once I have a better grasp of fundamentals I will slowly branch out.

One thing I am starting to do is gestures and life drawings from photos to study design, form, volume and gesture of figures.  I am doing this in Painter to get a feel for it.  Oddly, I find artistic creation on a computer to be a lot less intimidating than pen on paper.  Not sure why this is... perhaps because it is new to me, and I can build a fresh set of associations to the digital medium.

Anyways, I wasnt planning on anything too long right now.  Just thought I would post up one study I did the other day in painter.  I am reasonably happy with it, and thought I would share...

I know I need to get down to even more drawing, just pumping them out.  Going out to parks or coffee shops and drawing people and scenes.  That is the only way to really get better.  I am currently looking into some task management programs to better organize the subjects I have to study, and setting myself projects and assignments, and weekly or monthly goals.  Then I can keep track of how much time I devote to each thing every week and get a good grasp on how I am using my time.

Small steps, but still plugging along.  I want this too much to give up, even if I am stumbling rather blindly through the dark trying to train myself.

Enter the digital

Entering the domain of digital art is a very wonderful and crazy process.  I feel like it is a whole new artistic frontier, one which we are only just scratching the surface of.  The options available to the creative imagination are nearly infinite (even more than before!)  Of course, it is no replacement to art training, especially drawing, and the foundations of art.

It really seems like the trickiest thing to art training, especially looking at using my art skills professionally, is imagination.  Developing a strong sense, of concept, narrative and story is very challenging.  This is a muscle that I have not flexed in a long time- but the prospect of it is very exciting!  To render and develop and entire world, with its own characters and inhabitants, technology and philosophy and religion...

But, it all starts at ground zero.  Basics.  A foundation in the "real" world, studies of animals, technology, buildings, people... and that is what I have to really start doing.  Getting the proper visual vocabulary to be able to render things around me, not as they actually are, but as my imagination conceives of them.

I have also decided to try out some art technology.  I acquired an ASUS ep121 from best buy, which has a 2 week no questions asked return policy.  I am very curious about these new tablet PC's, which have enough computing power to run 3d programs and digital painting programs, and are fully portable, with a wacom digitizer.

So far it is amazing.  I did a sketch on it this morning of a scene from a dream last night, which was particularly jarring in my memory- a vast alien hive that had been built over and around what looked like an old parking complex....

This seems a good start... and i like the idea of drawing ideas from my dreams, and developing that part of my consciousness more.  I need that kind of imaginative power.  Well, that is what Magick is for.

The birth of an Aesthetic Monk

I am really going to have to start to update this more if it is going to be of any use to me.  My main purpose, of course, is to document my own progress; but I am doing this in a blog format to share with anyone who might so be interested in my journey and my ponderings on art, spirituality, creativity, the nature of existence, and anything else which might tickle my fancy.  At this point, it is all Art to me.

So last I checked in, I had just gotten back from the Alex Grey retreat, and was getting ready to kick ass, which I think I am starting to.  I have at the very least stripped my life of many superfluities so I can get down to the serious work which is required of me if I am ever going to make any kind of progress in art at all.  Granted, it is very convenient that I want this more than just about anything else, and it seems I am quite happy to sacrifice just about anything to my God, Art.

I have just about completed my work space.  When I got back and set myself to making changes in my life, one of these was a work space; essentially, I needed and altar to my new God.  As they say, if you build they will come.  The God will only descend into a proper vessel.  I keep my space clean and organized, all around, so that I can be focused.  Cleanliness is like the oil that lubricates the machinery of devotion.

So this is what I have ended up with for my new work area:

As can be seen, I have covered many bases.  I still need a new lamp that can get much brighter, ideally one of those great natural light that also has a big magnifying glass on it.  These are great for details, which I will eventually get into with my sculpture.  

The largest expense for this whole thing was the monitor arm (I already had the computer).  However, this expense has been infinitely valuable.  I wanted the space to serve as both a traditional art space, as well as a digital one.  Computer monitors tend to become the focus of a desk because they cant be moved.  However, I can move the monitor off to the side, clearing up the full 3 ft depth that my desk has.  I can also play art instructional videos, and make copies from pictures online (and vice versa, I can set it up so I can do digital still life painting.)

The drawing board I found at a garage sale, so if I am not drawing, I can stow it away and clear the space for something else.  I also purchased a wireless keyboard and mouse, again clearing up space.  Wires become a very large nuisance to work flow as they limited and clutter.  I had to try out a few different keyboard to find a good one.  This was not something to skimp on.  I ended up returning the cheaper one for a better more stable one.

Another very helpful little feature I found was the book stand, on the left.  I have taken myself to copying from books, most especially Bridgeman currently.  I will do a post soon about the benefits of this exercise, at least as I have experienced so far.  With this stand, the book stays open to the drawing i am working on, and it serves as a constant reminder to do more.  It also makes the copying process very comfortable.  No bending over.  If we are spending hours at our work, we want to be as comfortable as we can be.

I added the shelf on the wall more recently so I can have immediate access to books.  I have a book case 10 feet behind me, but I don;t want to have to keep getting up.  It may sound silly, but when you are immersed in some research or study, you want to be able to access the required information as easily as possible to maintain the flow of thought.

The only thing my set-up is missing is a good tablet.  I have a Wacom bamboo, but it really can't do what I want it to, which is give me the power to sketch on a computer the same way I do in a book.  I have been looking at different models, and it seems that the Wacom4 Medium is a standard.  It is a steep though- about $300.  The benefits are huge though.  Even the small tablet I have totally changes how I interact with my computer, and having a bigger and better one would really make the learning process a lot easier.

I am also in love with a new peice of technology, Tablet PC's.  These are full on computer tablets with all the processing power of a laptop.  An iPad, compared to one of these, is a toy.  They are fast enough now to run Photoshop, painter, zbrush, maya, and other graphics heavy programs.  You can carry them around with you and sketch on the go, or even do full tilt digital plein air.  I am a technophile, and so these things are making me drool.  The possibilities are huge.

One trap I am not letting myself fall into in all this is thinking that technology will make me a better artist.  Sure, I can use Photoshop to generate perfect ellipses, but the knowledge gained from being able to render it by hand and see it is vital.  To really push digital into new boundaries, we need to master traditional techniques, then we will see where the boundary is between a computer simulating traditional tools and thinking, and a computer as a whole new medium in its own right.

All of this is really to say that I am taking a deep breath, and diving in.  I have this present moment to make art, and I am going to take it and go.  I am locking myself in my room most of the time, and will be working as hard as I can.  I feel like I have so much ground to cover to get a good foundation, and not a lot of time to do it.

This is certainly a scary prospect, in a way.  I am going to watch the world pass me by.  Things in the world are crazier than ever, and here I am stabilizing my life as much as I can so that I can master my art.  I am cutting as many ties to the outside world as possible so I can crawl into this head of mine, train it, and exercise it.  That is the only way to get as good as I want, and need, to get.

This is one big factor in my journey here.  Yes, I love what I do.  I love art, I love learning all of it; but what is even more is that I NEED to.  It is either master drawing, or go get a normal job, and i refuse.  There is nothing I would rather do for a living than make art, and play with culture.  That is my ultimate goal- art is the medium by which this Will in my can take form.

So I work to put food on my table, eventually.  I work so I can support the family I want to have one day.  I work so that I can help to heal beings, and shift this world to a better place for all.  All of this requires sacrifice.  You have to show the creative spirit that you want it, and that you mean business.  That means giving up most parties, telling friends you are busy, and getting the rest of your life to a point where it requires the minimal amount of your attention.

There will be much more I will be talking about in the coming weeks.  I have found some communities I am settling in to, a plethora of online resources, some great books.  I am starting a phenomenology class for school, and I fully intend on trying to track down the phenomenological status of art objects, and the creative process in general.  Not to mention my sculpture, which I am still working on since the Alex Grey retreat.  Anatomy!

So expect more soon.  I could keep on writing, but I have to stop somewhere.  This journey is really just beginning now.  I am becoming an Aesthetic Monk, dedicated to my God Art.  I took a few timid paces towards this almost a year ago.  I shaved my head then, and I shaved it again only a few days ago. And I will keep it shaved until I have laid my foundation, both in Art, and in Vajrayana.

So stay tuned for more commentary, philosophical ramblings, artistic progress, and general musings on the muse.

The Cat and the Fiddle

So it seems that I am back at this blog, as I am back on my quest--- or perhaps, rather, never left.  Everything has come back around full circle (or better, full spiral.)  The past 3 weeks of my life have been a crazy roller-coaster of transformation.  It seems that Saturn return is really doing a number on my life (as it is supposed to.)

So, on July 31, I found myself at Alex Grey's Chapel of Sacred Mirrors for a 7 day retreat on Drawing and Sculpting the Human Anatomy.  We used a traditional approach, called the ecorche method, to accomplish this.  The basis of the technique: first sculpting the skeleton, bone by bone, making everything proportional, and getting all the notches and bumps and insertion points on; then, after this, lay on all the major muscles over top.  This was very time consuming, and very intensive.  It was 9 hours a day, for 7 days- myself and 14 other people, and Alex was the Captain of the ship, orienting us to the world of anatomy.

This was, to say the least, the highlight of my artistic training so far.  It was highly technical, intellectual, and absolutely fascinating, and the Teacher was the best I have ever had.  My creativity and enjoyment of art blossomed again, after a long winter of post-modern malaise and despair.  It has given me a taste of what REAL art instruction can be, and what it can do for me.  It also infused me with a profound vision of Art as Religion, of Physiology as Theology, and of an almost tantric devotion to the Image.

My last retreat was only 3 days.  This one was 7.  And we also found a surprise of an evening of partying going on there, which was blissful.  Glitchop, by the musical genius of Tipper.  I also had the oppurtunity to partake in a few beautiful sacraments, the least of which was what Alex has fondly termed the Green Jesus.

The experience, over all, placed me firmly into the drivers seat of my creativity, and thus also of my spiritual path as a whole, reminding me of the journey of the Artist, and of the quest for Vision, which leads along many roads.  I have come to find myself standing with myself, 'alone with the alone' and moving in a direction of ecstatic inspiration, and divine union culminating in Art and Creation.

Connections were formed and seeds were planted which I know will be sprouting into beautiful possibilities in the future, nourished by the blood of my devotion, and a little bit of fate thrown in.

The other thing I got, which I was actually quite surprised about, as it had not even crossed my mind, was the people I met and the connections I made.  Being with 15 other beautiful like minded people, all artists in their own right, was so refreshing.  It has been so long since I had creative peers around- which truly made me feel like an artist again.

This was perhaps he greatest gift.  Almost 6 years ago now, I quite art, as my other blog posts attest to.  I gave up, and went on a journey to find out what killed God and why.  Even a month ago, had someone asked me if I was an artist, I would have hesitated, or said "well, kind of."  Now, if I am asked that question, I just say "Yes."  This may not seem like a big deal, but for myself, it is a momentous occasion,  accepting upon myself the full weight of what that term means to me.

"The Artist is the Priest of Creation."  I wrote this in my notebook the other day.  The artist has the greatest of responsibilities, for the artist shapes the way which we see the world.  In my mind, the Artist is responsible to remind people of Truth, Beauty and Goodness.  This is the Mission of Art as put forward by Alex, and confirmed by the entire tradition of visionary, spiritual and religious painting.  I will not get much more into this here, suffice to say that I have plenty to say on the topic of "post-modernism" and the emergence of a whole New Rennaissance in Art.  This will be a subject of much exploration and discussion on my part.

So here I stand again.  I have aimed my sights high.  Nothing less than mastery, even if it takes me my whole life (which it will.)  I know I can do it, though the goal is distant.  I feel as though I stand at the base of a path, which leads to a mountain I can see, far off in the distance.  I can see the peak, thanks to those great Beings who cast their light from its summit; from here, I can see the whole mountain.  Once I start on this path, it will dip in and out of view; and as I get closer, it will loom even higher.  Once I am at the base, the peak will not be visible again until I reach it, and then it will look wholly different.  But, the Path is lined with Gold, so long as one stays to the Middle Way.

The journey of the Artist is ultimately a quest for Vision, a deepening process of transformation, whereby the Inner Eye is awakened and the spirit can See and express what it beholds.  At its highest, a painting is a piece of Crystallized Prayer, a moment of Theophany which has been drawn down through Prometheus' hollow tube to warm and enlighten ones fellow being.

The path is narrower- for this path, not just the path of the artist, but the path of the mystic as well, is a hard one.  The footsteps we have to follow in are big indeed, names which tower through the annals of art history, names such as Michaelangelo, Goya, Blake, Leonardo, Rubens, Durer, Van gogh, Dali, Mucha, Kandinsky.  Everything you are taught in art school says that this tradition is dead, that no meaning exists, that beauty is a lie and truth is a falsehood.  They would have us believe that God is dead.  The Visionary and Mystic Artist  must struggle against culture, struggle to be a beacon of light in an ocean of darkness.  A lighthouse.

I feel like I am just starting out on this path, even though I have been on it all my life.  I have wasted precious time, but no more.  I must throw myself back into this to complete what i started.  I had given up on this Dream, and in doing so turned my back on my Love, on my Light and on my Heart.  I have no way out but through.  I will have to struggle, step by step, to get the skills I need to be able to do justice to that infinite Source of all Art: God.

So my blog will be expanding itself to encompass this part of my studies.  I will be blogging about the techniques I uncover, the exercises I undertake, the results I get.  I will be speculating on the philosophy of Art, as well as the other side of it all; the Secret Language of Art, sometimes called the Language of the Birds.  This is the esoteric language, and it is the organ of speech for the Creative Imagination.

I will detail aspects of the mystical theosophy of Art which I have been developing, as well as excursions into the Mundus Imaginalis, the Imaginary World.   Not only do I have to perfect my artistic vehicle, and master my Tools, I also have to uncover the mysteries of the Imagination, to awaken the organ of perception whereby god may be seen.

"Our whole business in this life is to restore to health the eye of the heart whereby God may be seen." ~ Saint Augustine.

I am a mystic, a theosopher and an artist.  This is the account of my trials and tribulations to become a willing and able Servant of God and to help bring a little more Light to a very dark world.  I set out to see what might be seen, meet who must be met, say what must be said, and live a life I can be proud of.

Marathon

So on Sunday I went for the full 9 yards.  9 hours of life drawing, with about 2 hours break in there for food.  The morning was a variety of poses, the afternoon was 3 hours of the same pose with two different models and the evening was another variety of poses.

I can see myself progressing somewhat, which is always encouraging.  I had seen someone in the class last week doing shadow studies with a grey brush pen, so I got one and tried it out.  It turned out to be a fabulous way to study form, as I really have to hone in on where the forms curve and change planes to get accurate shadows with only one tone.  I soon graduated from this to 3, or even 4, tones.  darks, mid-tones and white for highlights.  I am particularly happy with these.

Also, my gestures, working with a china marker and glossy newsprint, and focusing on flow of force and form, is taking more shape, as can be seen in some of the drawings.  It is so hard to capture form and energy at once, with as few lines as possible.  Each line must speak, must communicate, clearly and cleanly.  You can see where I second guess, as my line hesitates, it stutters or stammers.

I feel like I am just learning to spell. I have backwards R's and K's, my grammar is atrocious, but I can at least form coherent sentences that communicate.  Simplifying line is probably the hardest part.  It is easy to communicate with lots of words, but real poetry comes in the finesse of simplicity, each word or line charged with meaning.

So here are the pictures which resulted from this marathon.  By the last hour I was mentally and physically exhausted.

Back to the ol' drawing board

I haven't posted in a while. My whole life has been super hectic.  My whole routine was broken up by a 3 day Bardo retreat and a 5 day Dzogchen retreat- for those who are unfamiliar with these terms, they refer to teachings contained in Vajrayana Buddhism ( "Tibetan Buddhism" as it has been called.)

My whole life exploded, and I am sifting through it all and making sense again of whatever was left at the end. Now that I am back at art again, my aspirations and desires are getting stronger and clearer- though i can honestly say I almost wanted to run off, learn to translate tibetan and become a monk.  The tradition is just that strong.

No worries though. I will not abandon my calling. Not yet.  I had went to the National Portfolio Day last saturday and found out that my work is good enough to get me in to sheridan, if I apply it to my portfolio when the time comes.

Of course, I still have much to do.  Perspective and Character Design are two of my weakest areas, which are my next task to learn a bit about and get decent at.  This part I am most intimidated by so far, as character Design requires such an intensive use of the creative imagination, a thing I am terrified of and also feel inadequate with.  I am intimidated by it, especially when i see the wonders that come out of other peoples imaginations.  I have so much longing to tap into it that i feel estranged from it.

There have been many  internal battles, emotional struggles and also revelations.  I will get to these soon enough, now that i am back and rolling again.  For now, here are my life drawings from this evening.

I noticed tonight that my skills seems to have taken a massive improvement.  Whatever I have been doing seems to be working.  I am looser, and my lines are getting more confident.  So much of this really seems to be about letting go of tension, and feeling energy flow.  This is very hard, as we are so used to being tense.

So, enjoy for now.  I will update in the next few days with a little bit of food for thought.

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More life drawing

Just some updates from tonights life drawing session.  The few I am happy with.